Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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