ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
