I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
