Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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