Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
