Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
