when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
