worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
