I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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