Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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