Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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