When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
