Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
