when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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