But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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