Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
