no, he came in my armpit
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
