so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
