I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm at about main and main street
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
