I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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