you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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