Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
