Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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