I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
