I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
