I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what day is it and did you see me today?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
