Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
this just has baby written all over it
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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