am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
