i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
