Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
