I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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