not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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