I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
