She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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