Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
