then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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