you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Michael Bay diarrhea
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
