You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
