I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
