Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
