Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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