New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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