Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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