My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
