stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just gargled with NyQuil
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
