I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
