Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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