I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
