I looked at my own cervix.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
