I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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