Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
