She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
