enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
