please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
