but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
