it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
