woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
