You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Every concussion has its silver lining
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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