did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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